Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
