as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
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