I accidentally had phone sex last night
I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
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