maybe if you didn't yell 'buh duh duh da duh da dats all folks' when you came she wouldn't have left last night
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
