The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Semen is not good for contacts.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Under no circumstances is tits McGee to make that kind of decision about my life!
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
I already left my house once this summer. Maybe we could do something in October.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
