My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Don't judge me. It's a Monday night and I can eat burritos in while bathing in the kitchen sink if I want to.
Randomize
