guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
Life is so much better after having sex.
I'm shivering and sweating at the same time. Thanks a lot St. Patrick.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
I knocked myself out momentarily last night when I fell and hit my head off of my jewelry box while trying to take his pants off... while he was passed out.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
