My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm at the point in my career when i know a sites a trap and isn't real porn
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize