Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I looked at my own cervix.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Randomize
