Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
