Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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