Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
Randomize
