Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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