so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
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