I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
