dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
ah lol cocaine is strange when I dose I feel like an elephant running through a grocery store
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
