im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I wish I only lived at night.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
