Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I drank butter last night, who am I to judge?
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
Hey
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GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
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