i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
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