I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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