i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I dont' remember leaving St. Cloud, getting home, or apparently directing traffic in the middle of the fucking street while black out drunk.
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Randomize
