Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
It was marvelous. I was drunkenly conversing with my professor in some of the best Spanish I've ever spoken.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
thanks for letting me have sex in your bed, too bad you didn't get to yet
who are you?
Randomize
