good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
Randomize
