Seriously, I'd take them all over any of the milfs here...and you know how much that means coming from me
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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