allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
in other news i got caramel vodka poured on me. upside, i smell amazing
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
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