Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
When you say shenanigans does that mean I should bring birth control?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
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