I wasn't fucked. I was just drunk, because i was still able to walk into the woods and masterbate.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
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