i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
Nothing says "Happy New Year" like having to shit into a plastic bag.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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