there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
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