i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
