dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
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