Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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