Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
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