my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
I'm pathetic. I'm eating cream puffs in the bath and crying a little.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
