I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
