Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
I think we should see other people.
Already working on it.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I wore granny panties last night to ensure I didn't sleep with him. He said they made me seem more mature. I need a new plan
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Randomize
