i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
So much Jack, so little girl.
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
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