there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
