how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
there's a girl on facebook trying to buy me a pizza. I can't say no... right?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Like I don't care that he's a drug dealer, but I have a problem with his inefficient and ineffective business model.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Randomize
