my hangover today makes thursday's feel like a bubble bath.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I am stoned, not wearing a bra, and a woman. There is no way in fuck I am getting on a fucking bus.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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