I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Randomize
