Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Randomize
