someone get that fucking seahorse.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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