dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Randomize
