I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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