I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
