im six kinds of drunk right now
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Randomize