I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Just opened my sisters laptop to "cute places to lose my virginity" googled last
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
