God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Randomize