we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
