I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
found a half eaten roll befind my toilet today. my birthday just keeps popping up.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Randomize
