Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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