Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
