Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
she's always on high-alert for lesbians
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