I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
You dove at him but passed out mid dive. Shame it wasnt a costume party your superman suit wouldve been clutch in the situation
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
