I wish my penis had an off switch
I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I hate that we are older than the real world people now
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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