I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I'm using the house around the corner that my parents rent out to people as a means of getting sex. I just tell them I'm going for a walk and just invite my next hook up over
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
Randomize