Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
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