Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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