And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
Got blown by one of the bridesmaids. Family BBQ today. They all know. Talk about awkward.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Glow parties are what I live for
Your priorities in life astound me
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
did you just send me my own nude
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
