You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.
do you still have it? i kinda want to see.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
I'm trying to be sexual and you're sending me smashmouth lyrics
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Randomize
