Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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